South of Sunnyside

Friday night, Kim and I had a craving for cookies and milk, so I stopped by the grocery store to pick some up. One of the cashiers came over to bag my groceries, and after seeing them, noted that we’ve “gotta keep the kids happy.”

Yep, those are for the kids…

I’m not sure if it’s coincidence, or if it’s spurred by the addition of a phone line at the house, but the telemarketers and autodialers must have us on speed dial. It’s getting out of hand, and the Do Not Call Registry seems to hold little weight.

The most frequent, and subsequently, the most annoying, are calls that reference the warranty for our cars.

Sure, I realize we’re not the only getting these calls, and I’m probably only making things worse, but I decided to follow through on one:

[Automated prompt to stay on the line for extended warranty coverage; male voice picks up]
Him: Hello?
Me: Hello.
Him: How can I help you?
Me: Um, you called me…
Him: Oh, yes sir. Are you calling about the warranty on your automobile?
Me: Uh, sure.
Him: Okay, well I’ll need to collect some information. Can you tell me the make and model of your car? I’ll also need your social security number so that I can verify your information.
Me: Right. Well, before I give you that, can you tell me again who I’m speaking with?
Him: This is [I can't remember the name].
Me: And the name of the company again? Also, my connection is bad—can you let me know what number I can reach you at should our connection drop?
[Click. Silence.]

And this is why I’m calling for a ban on telemarketing. (Get it?)

A couple of weeks ago, I received a submission from the contact form at JRCollier.com:

Name Jack Walker
Email Jackwalker.001@gmail.com
Website http://www.google.com
Message We would like to get your website on first page of Google.
All of our processes use the most ethical “white hat” Search Engine Optimization techniques that will not get your website banned or penalized.
Please reply and I would be happy to send you a proposal.

Now, I’m a trusting person, and I guess I’m naive to the workings of this “internet” thing, so I politely replied:

Hi Jack,
Thanks for contacting me. I’m interested in seeing what you propose.
You listed your website as “Google” – do you work for Google? Will your proposal include a more targeted website that lists some of the others you’ve helped with “white hat” services?
Kind regards,
James

Surprisingly, Jack hasn’t gotten back to me. I hope this isn’t standard practice.

While I tend to have a little fun with things like this, it did remind me of other letters and communications I’ve sent out. And how they usually don’t generate responses—Danil Monteleone never got back to me, and the Sunnyside Property Owners Association have yet to give me a reason to join (though they sent a generic solitication letter).

Perhaps it was something I said?

Dear telemarketers: Which of these words do you not understand?

There’s a list. I’m on it. Hiding your identity doesn’t qualify for an exemption.

Oh, and to “Douglas,” at the “Rate Reduction Center,” you left your testicles on the line—I sure hope you don’t need them.