So why are my neighbors hanging Christmas lights?

At least they’re taking their time and hiding all the cords…

Please stop it. You’re being ridiculous.

I’ve noticed that when it comes to sunlight, many Americans don’t have access to adequate sun coverage. Such people often defer to tanning beds for “emergency” treatment to avoid long lines at public clinics pools. They cut holes in perfectly good walls so that they can filter in light and heat from the outside.

It’s just not right.

We in the Valley have an over-abundance of sun coverage—really, much of it is taken for granted and goes to waste. We have more than our share of heat and natural light, so I think we should spread the wealth. (Call me a socialist if you must.)

I propose a solar reform. Access to sunlight for all.

Contact your congressman; tell them I sent you.

When the towers went up in flames, I was at a Youth With a Mission base in Colorado, preparing an extended trip out of the country; needless to say, security at the airports was tight. I spent the next two months immersed in another culture, separated from the emotional turmoil felt back home.

I hope we never forget those who fell victim to such a horrible act of violence.

I also hope, however, that we learn to stop polarizing our communities, cultures, countries and everyday conversations. In war, or politics, or religion, or economics (or …) we seem bent on painting others as enemies—whether they’re 3,000 miles away, or right across the street.

That’s how I’d like to honor the victims of 9/11: by opening myself up to others’ perspectives, and acknowledging that even when we disagree, we can still be civil and respectful.

I have a long way to go. It won’t be easy. Anyone with me?

Yep, those are for the kids…

The most frequent, and subsequently, the most annoying, are calls that reference the warranty for our cars.

Sure, I realize we’re not the only getting these calls, and I’m probably only making things worse, but I decided to follow through on one:

[Automated prompt to stay on the line for extended warranty coverage; male voice picks up]
Him: Hello?
Me: Hello.
Him: How can I help you?
Me: Um, you called me…
Him: Oh, yes sir. Are you calling about the warranty on your automobile?
Me: Uh, sure.
Him: Okay, well I’ll need to collect some information. Can you tell me the make and model of your car? I’ll also need your social security number so that I can verify your information.
Me: Right. Well, before I give you that, can you tell me again who I’m speaking with?
Him: This is [I can't remember the name].
Me: And the name of the company again? Also, my connection is bad—can you let me know what number I can reach you at should our connection drop?
[Click. Silence.]

And this is why I’m calling for a ban on telemarketing. (Get it?)

Name Jack Walker
Email Jackwalker.001@gmail.com
Website http://www.google.com
Message We would like to get your website on first page of Google.
All of our processes use the most ethical “white hat” Search Engine Optimization techniques that will not get your website banned or penalized.
Please reply and I would be happy to send you a proposal.

Now, I’m a trusting person, and I guess I’m naive to the workings of this “internet” thing, so I politely replied:

Hi Jack,
Thanks for contacting me. I’m interested in seeing what you propose.
You listed your website as “Google” – do you work for Google? Will your proposal include a more targeted website that lists some of the others you’ve helped with “white hat” services?
Kind regards,
James

Surprisingly, Jack hasn’t gotten back to me. I hope this isn’t standard practice.

While I tend to have a little fun with things like this, it did remind me of other letters and communications I’ve sent out. And how they usually don’t generate responses—Danil Monteleone never got back to me, and the Sunnyside Property Owners Association have yet to give me a reason to join (though they sent a generic solitication letter).

Perhaps it was something I said?

There’s a list. I’m on it. Hiding your identity doesn’t qualify for an exemption.

Oh, and to “Douglas,” at the “Rate Reduction Center,” you left your testicles on the line—I sure hope you don’t need them.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m glad that a construction project in the area not only started, but is now complete…it’s just that I’ve really enjoyed whining about the distance to the nearest gym, of which I’m a defunct member.

March 5, 2009

Law Offices of Danil Monteleone
8160 Tunney
Reseda, CA 91335

Dear Mr. Monteleone,
I’d like to thank you.

I attended the community meeting last week that you held for Granville homeowners. I was disappointed to hear that the previous night’s meeting was less than friendly, but I left the gathering quite optimistic.

You see, our neighborhood has seen every challenge imaginable: high foreclosure, negligent home owners, theft—of personal property, vehicles, the wire that passes power through to our streetlights. Add to this a variety of cultural and economic backgrounds, and there’s one thing that we have lacked: unity.

But you helped us find that. You helped us come together, and to find a common voice—a voice that I imagine is still ringing in your ears.

So, I’d like to thank you. But I just can’t muster enough respect for your business, or your personal ethic, to do so.

If you want to stir up doubt and prey on confusion, please do so elsewhere. You are not welcomed here.

A proud Granville owner,

James Collier