South of Sunnyside

I’ve been dropping a few hints lately, and I know that many of you (read: my wife) are anxious to hear the big news. So here it is—I finally completed a list of 25 Random Things About Me. Yes, the same list that’s been plaguing popular on Facebook over the last several weeks is now in a much more accessible blog post.

So here it is, more than you’ll ever want to know about me:

1. My wife is the most interesting thing about me.
2. I’ve been avoiding this like the plague, but since it’s my birthday, I thought I’d waste a little time.
3. Today is my birthday.
4. Actually, my birthday was Wednesday, and today is Sunday.
5. I’m easily distracted.
6. When I was a kid, I told people that I could talk to animals, and that I was frequently picked up in a helicopter and taken into the jungle for special missions with my animal colleagues.
7. Therapy was successful, and I no longer expect a response when I talk to animals.
8. I sometimes hope that reincarnation is real, and that I can one day live as a puma.
9. I giggled audibly as I typed "puma." "Mountain lion" and "cougar" just aren’t as funny (and "mountain lion" makes me sound like a middle-aged woman on the prowl).
10. I don’t care much for alcohol.
11. I like beer, wine, and most mixed adult beverages.
12. I’m full of contradictions.
13. I like to think that’s part of being "mysterious." The truth is, I don’t care much for [the smell of] [rubbing] alcohol.
14. I used to bite my nails, but quit while taking lessons for Flamenco guitar. I can now pick a lock with my pinky.
15. I grew up with 10 grandparents. My family tree is awesome like that.
16. I was not called by my real name (James) consistently until I moved to California.
17. I use sarcasm and snark to avoid being serious or feeling vulnerable.
18. I have two trophies: one is for coming in second place in a wrestling tournament. There were two wrestlers in my weight category.
19. One time, while casually throwing a 24" machete at the ground, it bounced back at me; I blocked it with my arm (and have a scar to prove it).
20. I tell that story because I’m proud of it. And because my first instinct was to find the missing flesh so that my dog wouldn’t eat it.
21. Deep down, I really want to be a rock star. Specifically, I want to be Dave Grohl.
22. I will one day rule the world.
23. I’m starting with Fresno.
24. I’m currently writing a book. But I’m using a different name, so I can’t talk about it. And it’s not so much a "book" as it is a blog without comments.
25. This list reminds me of the email chains of the late ’90s. And like the late ’90s, I’m glad I got through it.

Post script: If you read through all of this, I might recommend you talk to someone. I can make a recommendation (see #7).

Post post script: Did you think I was announcing something else?

Okay, okay. I suppose Icould take advantage of my membership at Bally’s, but that’s all the way across town…ish. And I could get out and ride my bike, or walk the dogs, or do a little yardwork, but that’s beside the point. Yes, I have a point.

This week I noticed that the parking lot for the new George Brown’s at Fowler and Kings Canyon has been paved. Construction seems to be taking forever, but this is definitely a step forward, and I’ll soon have one less excuse for being out of shape and overweight.

Anyone know when it’s scheduled to open?

Fact: I spend a significant portion of my day online.

Fact: Life has been exceedingly stressful lately, and as a result I’ve become excessively snarky (which is my new favorite word).

Fact: I hate spam in any form.

At the end of what has been an intense and strenuous day, I received a Skype chat initiation from “Clarita.” I usually click out of these immediately, but I couldn’t resist the opportunity for dialog, so I responded:

Clarita: “Hey, this Clarita. Now I am looking for new friends. U can look my photo here: [link has been removed to protect adolescent readers].”

Me: “sweet, I’m looking for new friends, too. what do you look like?”

(pause)

Me: “I mean, not that looks are *everything,* but I’m a decent looking guy, and need friends that complement me”

(pause)

Me: “hello?”

(pause)

Me: “I’m so tired of girls that only want me for my click.”

Don’t take my word for it: check out the screenshot.